Confession:holding onto the moments even when it's hard

In the past 2 days I've been screamed at, pooped on, pulled on, screamed at, and screamed at some more. I've been trying as hard as I can to find joy in every moment (even the hard ones), because I've been reminded more than ever lately how short life really is.

I will be the first to admit that this seems impossible to do somedays. When you feel like there's a literal brick wall between you and your child, it's hard to find the joy there. When you struggle so deeply with depression through your child's first year and a half of life.. that nearly all of the good memories are stripped away, it's so hard to find the joy there. When your child is given the 'terminal' diagnosis that you never expected, it's very hard to find the joy there. When LIFE HAPPENS IT'S HARD TO FIND JOY IN IT ALL! Can I get an amen??

So the question is this: how do we move forward, how do we accept ourselves as imperfect human beings, and how do we joyfully live in a world that's so dark?

We remember that this isn't our home. We remember that God is bigger than anything life could ever throw at us, and we CHOOSE to believe that even in the midst of the darkness, God's will is being done.

I've had a few very difficult days this week, and my friends have really come alongside and encouraged me. With random flowers, candles, and cards.. there is joy in the midst of life's valleys.

Ahhhhh :)

Oh my WORD! I feel so refreshed.. it's been so long since I've really, really felt this good!!! My parents so kindly took Ayden from us last night so that we could have a date night (YAY!!) It was so much fun, and here's what we did:

TGIF- dinner.
HOME- catch up on shows.
SLEEP- yes, yes YES. Lot's of it, too!
WAKEUP- donuts & coffee & devotions & chit chat with our neighbors!

By the way, not only did our neighbors pray over us for the things God is doing in our lives, but they gave me their antique Schwinn bike- jahdasuigywuiegyuwgeayui!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S HOW EXCITED I AM TO HAVE A BIKE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) Seriously so nice of them.. I don't think I've ever met more kind-hearted people in my life! We need more of them in this world.

Literally, that's it. It was soooo relaxing to do absolutely nothing strenuous!! To just enjoy the peace & silence (which every good mommy and daddy deserves). :)

I am so thankful (understatement) that we get the opportunity to do this once a month. It's such a blessing to have BOTH sets of grandparents living right around the corner. Honestly don't know what we'd do without these 'us' nights!!!


SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS: If you do not have this kind of support, please let Jaymes & I be that for you! We will absolutely take your kiddos for the night so you can get the time together you NEED! I love you all!

Ella Lanay

As some of you know, I've been volunteering some of my time to work with this little angel weekly. She is the bravest person I know, and yes, she's a whopping 12 months old!! It's such a blessing to see how many lives she has touched in such a short time, and to see how she's drawing people (even strangers) closer to the One who cares most. I want to share with you how she has changed ME in just 6 months!

When I came alongside the Hunt family in this journey, I NEVER expected to be encouraged by them, to be changed by the perspective, and the way they live abundantly every day. It truly is amazing to see a family come together and fight this disease with unconditional love! Yes, medically speaking they have a terminally ill child, but when you go into their home that is the last thing on your mind.. Ella is such a happy baby, and she is so overwhelmed with love that she simply has no time to focus on the negatives of this illness. You walk into a home filled with the Holy Spirit, more so than I've felt in any other house! They focus on TODAY, not yesterday, but today. They capture and cherish every moment, even the not-so-fun ones, and give thanks even in the darkest of times.

I really started the healing process from my PPD/Anxiety when I saw how they were able to live in the midst of such chaos with hearts full of thankfulness and love. Before them, I didn't know how to do that on my own, I was simply stuck. I can never thank Ella, Erica, Dan, Noah & Carter enough for letting me be a part of this journey, and for encouraging me daily by the way they choose to not live in fear!! God is using them in such Mighty ways, and I am so humbled by their faith.

eucharisteo

I just finished rocking my son to 'sleep' (to the point where he said he was ready to lay down). I SO treasure these last moments of babyhood with him!!

I was singing some of my favorite worship songs over him during this special time, and was just completely consumed by the Holy Spirit.. especially when I started singing "In Christ alone". I could feel Ayden's body relaxing more and more into mine, and I could feel my soul relaxing more and more into my Father's arms. It was Heavenly.

At the completion of the song he tried to keep his eyes open long enough to find my face, say "goooodnigh" and give me such a sweet kiss! You are so very loved, Ayden James.. please don't ever forget that!

Momma

Bye bye baby

Ayden James turns 2 next month, and of course, I'm experiencing all sorts of bittersweet emotions!
I want to spend some time going over the things that are still very 'baby' about him, as he transitions into little boy.. these things are dear to my heart.

*His SOFT skin. I just love stroking his arm, running my fingers over his cheeks, and playing with his chunky baby thighs!

*His CHUNKY baby thighs. Yes, they have started to thin out, but there's still plenty of chunk left to love on. :) I love watching them jiggle as he runs!

*Butt dimples. Oh yes, my favorite.

*That he still LOVES being rocked to sleep for the night. There's nothing like seeing this 'ALL boy' boy just relax into my arms, suck his thumb, and wind down.

*Thumb sucking. He still does that, and I, for one, think it's adorable. Especially when he tries to smile and keep sucking!!

*How he loves to snuggle up while we watch shows, and play with my bellybutton (goofball)!


More than anything, I'm just overwhelmed with thankfulness!! Thankfulness for 2 years of LIFE, thankfulness for how our relationship with him has blossomed so much in such a short time, thankfulness for that smile, and thankfulness for the good and bad! ALL OF IT!

What an honor, and immeasurable blessing it is to be his mother.