making memories

To say that today was full of goofiness, and laughs, would be an understatement.

Ayden is learning (very quickly) that when he does something funny, it makes other people laugh. So needless to say, most of his time is spent trying to engage others in his fits of laughter. :)

I will share my 2 favorite 'goofy moments' of the day, but you expect more in the near future.

I took Ayden to the mall to play for a bit today. When we got there, it took him a few minutes to warm up to all of the other kiddos and to really start showing his true colors, but boy did he! If you've been to the mall's play area, you'll probably be able to picture this pretty well.

He went to the center of the 'area' and let out a little, "AH!" with his hands up in the air. It was like a mini-scream. He looked around, expecting someone other than mommy to be looking at him in response, but no-one. He did it again, a little louder, "AH!!!" but still no responses. So finally, with all of the strength his little lungs could muster-up, he let out a HUGE, "AHHHH!!!!!" with his hands now shaking. I just burst into laughter at his attempt to make such a large group of people laugh at him!! What a cutie pie! A few people stopped and looked after that scream, probably more wondering what on earth he was doing than anything else! ha!

Next, and my favorite:

To say Ayden enjoys reading is an understatement. This boy will hand you the same book over and over and over again until he's had enough, and then it's on to the next. We read the same one sometimes a half dozen times before he's satisfied! I love his eagerness to read, and hope it continues to grow as he does!

Anyhow, on to the real story. We were reading a story-rhyme book today, and 'The itsy bitsy spider' is one of the songs in it. I sang it, and kept going on to the next one, but he refused to go much further in the book. He actually turned the page back (which NEVER happens), and had me sing it again, and again. After maybe 3 or so times, he would point UP with my up motions for "up the water spout"! And then, he put both of his hands up in the air with open hands, as if he were trying to motion the sun, when I said, "out came the sun"! He did this for at least 10 minutes.

I thought this was the end, but after we left the room and started playing with other toys, he looked at me and pointed UP. It took a second for me to realize it, but he wanted me to sing it again! He's been doing this all day, and it's ridiculously cute. I will get it on video tomorrow, and post it. :)

I love the imagination he brings out in me. I feel like a child myself when we're playing, and there's no better feeling in the world than watching him smile, and know he's having the time of his life with me. It makes me feel complete!

Love my happy, silly boy! :)

do not be anxious!

Sometimes I really just want to 'throw my hands up in the air' and give up. A lot of times there is no real trigger to why my moods change so fast, they just do. And I have very little control over it, which makes matters even more frustrating. Happy, sad, happy, sad.. a mad, vicious, cycle.

Jaymes came home a few nights ago after a very long day at work. He wasn't able to make it back until Ayden was already in bed for the night, so the evening was long for us too. He came in the door and asked me how my day went, I replied, 'It was HARD.' I was exhausted, my depression had been horrible all day, and I was just ready to turn the lights out and call it a night. We lay there in bed just chatting, when he asked me what he could do to make things better. I just told him to keep praying for me, and to offer me any advice if the Lord gives it to him (which He often times does- there's nothing quite as powerful as the Lord speaking directly through your husband, let me tell you!)

Again, back to just chatting. Jaymes was doing some research on his phone about the symptoms that bother me most with this whole mess. Just trying to find some sort of help. We came to the conclusion that one of the biggest reason's healing hasn't fully taken place yet is because I am anxious. I am stressed. I am worried that things will never get better. I spend almost every moment of every day focusing on what I THINK I'm doing wrong.. as time wastes away.

Philippians 4:6- Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I forced myself, and I mean with every ounce of my innermost strength, not to be anxious yesterday. Not to worry. But to focus on relaxing, and trying my best to have fun. I succeeded. I know this is the start of something big in my recovery process, and I am excited.

Matthew 6:34- Therefore, do NOT worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

I start counseling very soon, I am looking forward to learning more techniques to help me relax, because it is very hard for me to do. I can very easily physically relax, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about mentally relaxing. That's darn near impossible for me.

Anyhow, I am so thankful for the Lord's provision, and for the ways He uses my husband to lift me up.

I am blessed. Too blessed to be stressed.

CVS-ing

I am so proud of myself! I am starting to 'coupon' really well!! My sister would be so proud ;)

I went to CVS and purchased something a while back. I got $8 extra bucks back on it (woohoo)!

My goal was to really start the couponing with these 'extra bucks' and not just spend them.

I went back this past week to purchase diapers ($11.99) Skittles ($2.87) and eyeliner (10.99). The particular brand I wanted was doing a special deal, spend at least $10 on their makeup and get $7 back in extra bucks. So, essentially, pay $3 for amazing makeup!

*drum roll, please....*

My grand total was, $27.84. I handed over my $8 in extra bucks, and watched my total drop to $19.84. Then, I received another $7 in extra bucks for my makeup purchase!

This means, I got $27.84 worth of merchandise for $12.84.

Oh. Yes.

six places

1.) Prarie Camp- This is where it all began. Jaymes & I met here. At a church camp that we had both gone to for years. Funny thing is, we had almost all of the same friends, and had never crossed paths until the summer of 2005! The Lord's timing was absolutely perfect though, and I never would have guessed that the 'jerk hogging the couch' in the Mondich cabin, 3 years later would become my husband! We went back there this summer to watch 2 great friends get married, and the memories were everywhere. This place will always hold a special spot in my heart!

2.) The Riverwalk- I guess technically, this is really where 'it all began'. Jaymes proposed to me here. On a beautiful summer evening, during a local concert's 'break' on a stage, infront of hundreds of people. Some of our closest friends were there with us, for what I thought was just a picnic. Family was there too, but hiding in the background somewhere! I will never forget how this all played out. We're sitting there with the Pannabeckers on our blanket, eating our fried chicken, and all of the sudden the lead band member says, 'Okay, we're gonna take a short break. We have a very special guest here today who wants to say something. A Marine on leave from Okinawa, Japan. Cpl. Heare, come on up!' (or something of that nature, honestly, at this point, I'm getting a LITTLE nervous..) I was thinking, '.. that's my boyfriend..!' Jaymes pulled my hand and said, 'Come on! Follow me!' He ran up to the stage, as I staggered behind, grabbed the microphone, said something to the crowd, and then, (as he took a knee) 'Abigail Ruth, I love you more than anything in this world and I want to share the rest of my life with you.. will you be my wife?' Yes. yes. yes. This is a very special place for us to visit, as it also brings back a very special memory to us.

3.) San Clemente, California- The first place we lived together, after getting married! This wasn't our 'own' place, as we shared it with a fellow Marine that Jaymes worked with, but it was our starting place. We split rent, it was comfy, and cheap. I will never forget this place because well, for lots of reasons, but mainly because this was the start of married life together. We learned a lot in the few short months we stayed there, and made lots of memories we'll always treasure.

4.) Dana Point, California- This was officially, our FIRST place together as just the 2 of us. We fell in love with our tiny 800 something square foot apartment, and stayed there for a year. Beautiful, beautiful town to live in. Shops and restaurants, basically right in our backyard, and the ocean a mile away..! It was very bittersweet to leave there, but, we'll be back to visit someday. ;)

5.) Mission Viejo, California- This was our 2nd place together (really, the 3rd I suppose). We moved here because this town was a little bit cheaper than Dana Point, because we were expecting our first baby, and needed a little more space! We brought Ayden home to this apartment, and he spent his first 2 months of life in it. It was even harder to leave here than it was to leave Dana Point. But we weren't just moving to the next town, we were leaving to go back to Indiana.. very bittersweet move. We will be going back to California someday to show Ayden where he was born, and where mommy & daddy started their life together! And I can't wait!!

6.) Fiesta Tapatia- This one may just seem silly in comparison to the others, but it's our favorite restaurant! Owned by a Mexican family, with outstanding, AND cheap food! We spent lots of time there when we dated, when we were engaged, with family, alone, and with friends. The owners welcome us like we're family everytime! So just a place we go to a lot for good food, and lots of laughs. Tons of memories were made here too!

The vacuum.

This post in mostly so the memory stays fresh in our minds, for Ayden someday. Not terribly exciting, but something we want to remember. :)

Saying, 'Ayden loves the vacuum' is an understatement. My son is obsessed with the vacuum.

When Ayden wakes up in the morning, and from all of his naps, he takes a few short minutes to wake up slowly, and then he's off to the 'vacuum closet' where we stash the vacuum. He points at the closet door, then looks at me ( and he KNOWS I know what he wants). All I have to say is, 'Do you wanna vacuum?!' and he starts laughing, smiling, and semi-hyperventilating until I go over there and pull it out of the closet for him.

And then..

The vacuum dance (which I REALLY need to record). He walks, more like runs in circles around me and the vacuum for a minute or so while I unwind the cord and plug it in, and then reaches for me (which means he's ready for me to start it.) I start it up, then he reaches down, runs to the other side of the room and watches. It's a love-hate relationship with the vacuum, I say.

This happens at least 3x a day. Our house has VERY clean carpet. ha! I'm counting on this being his favorite chore someday.. ;)

Anyhow, this is a cute 'Ayden' memory for us. I needed to blog it!

Stay tuned for lots more updates.

it's been awhile

Hey friends :)

I have a few extra minutes this morning to update on a few brief things (rare occurrence). I'll start by saying I've really, REALLY slacked on blogging lately.. which is a shame because I enjoy it so much! Anyhow, life lately has been a little something like this:

Ayden is now walking. Everywhere! He is having such a blast with it, too!! I've told Jaymes for as long as I can remember that I just knew Ayden would be so much happier once he was able to REALLY move around.. and not to 'toot my own horn'... but I was right ;) It's so neat to watch him go through such a big milestone (a bit heartbreaking to). And don't get me wrong, he still has plenty fussy moments. However, we've both noticed a huge difference in his happiness, which is priceless! He's just perfect!

We've found "the" house.

And we're working our butts off to get it. More news to come on this..

Jaymes is becoming a police officer.

It's official, that's where the Lord is calling him. We are anxious! More news to come on this as well.

I'm switching medication.

I am now on Prozac, instead of Celexa. The Celexa just wasn't working for me, and I had given it a good few months to 'kick in'. I am anxious to see if Prozac is the right medication for me, and I'm praying that it is. It's safe for breastfeeding and pregnancy (up until the 3rd trimester) so it would be ideal. The good thing about this medicine is, like the Celexa (which was already well into my system), it's an SSRI drug. This means I will only need to wait a week or so to determine weather it's going to work for me or not, because I was already on SSRI drugs.. make sense? Anyhow, I'm on day 3, and am noticing tiny improvements.. so here's to hoping!

And my sister is visiting this weekend. holler.

I love that even though she lives all the way in Tennessee, she finds a way to visit every couple of months. Ayden has been blessed with an amazing Aunt! I love that he'll be able to look at pictures when he's older and see that she was there for all the important things in his life. We love you, Aunt Stina!

God is good, all the time.

life

I will post more tomorrow, but for now I just want to say that God is giving me an incredible peace about where I am in life, and what I need to do to become healthier. I am thankful.

This song, by JJ Heller has been an inspiration to me! Such beautifully written lyrics, with so much truth behind them.. if you haven't heard this song before, look it up and listen to it.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

I never leave His hands.

Quick update

WARNING: this is not a happy post.

Long, long story (that I really don't want to talk about right now) short.. my depression has taken a turn for the worst. I contacted my doctor, his recommendation was exactly what I feared, starting the mood stabilizer. This means no more nursing, and no more children (for now). I am heartbroken, and torn. Jaymes & I do believe this is what the Lord is calling me to do, though. I need to do this in order to be a better wife to my husband, and mother to my son. I'm discouraged because I know Ayden isn't nearly ready to completely wean, and Jaymes & I were looking forward to trying for more babies.. (very soon). My doctor has called in the prescription for me, and it's ready for me to pick up. I don't know when I'll start it, even IF I'll start it yet. I am so discouraged, friends. Please lift me up in prayer!

The Lord has a plan with everything, I'm just BEGGING that He'll show me a glimpse of this plan soon.

seven wants

*Seven Wants*

(7 of my earthly wants, in no particular order..)

1.) A second car. We've been working really hard on getting one for awhile now, but it's hard for us to find the time to sit down together & discuss what we want/get the bank on the same page as us with the loan etc. Ayden really needs to get out of the house more often, due to his energy levels, and wild sense of adventure! He loves exploring the world. Needless to say, I will be very excited when we are a 2 car family again!

2.) Our own home. Jaymes, Ayden and I have been living with my parents since November of last year when we got out of the Marine Corps. It's been hard because no matter how well you get along with your parents, combining 2 families/routines/lifestyles/schedules/etc. into one house can be hectic at times! We have been SO blessed by their willingness to house us for this time, and are incredibly thankful for their generosity. However, we are very excited to have a place of our own again! :)

3.) A Canon EOS Rebel. I'm getting this for Christmas, I just don't know it yet *wink wink*. And this is all I'm getting for Christmas, too. Those suckers aren't cheap, but they are worth every dime. The pictures captured are priceless, and I want to be able to capture better memories for my family to cherish! I'm excited!

4.) A new wardrobe. I have some cute clothes, but if you know anything about me, you know I'm almost always in jeans & a t-shirt. This is not at all because that's 'my style'. I just don't have the time to look cute on most days, and I'm okay with that! :)

5.) A real honeymoon. Jaymes & I never had a 'real' honeymoon due to lack of time, and money for that matter. We had to get back to California because the Corps needed my husband back. However, we are planning a beautiful getaway together (still years down the road).. I'm pretty sure it's going to be worth the wait ;) We'll take mini vacations until then!

6.) For nights to be longer & days to be shorter. It just seems like for most people, it would make more sense! We go to sleep exhausted, and wake up exhausted, right?? Maybe it's just a momma thing, but I could TOTALLY use 12 hours of sleep a night! I love Friday nights, because my amazing husband takes over Saturday morning and let's me sleep in as long as I need to! Funny thing is, I'm usually well awake by 10. My body just can't seem to let the day waste away like when I was younger and slept in till 1 or so. Crazy that was just a few years ago. So much has changed!

7.) A German Shepard! I think they are beautiful, and Dozer needs a 'built in' playmate..! I don't know if I'm ready for 8 paws in the home quite yet though.. we'll see.

Have a wonderful weekend with your families!

Enjoy this beautiful fall weather while it lasts :)

eight fears

*EIGHT FEARS*

I know I slacked on my '10 day challenge' but I'm picking back up! Here it is..

1.) Never completely healing from my depression on this earth. This is a very real fear in my life, and I know I'm not supposed to worry, but I am human.. and if you are in my shoes you understand why this is a very legitimate fear for me. However, I fully trust the Lord's plan for my life.. and that's the truth I cling to daily. He makes this life bearable!

2.) Car wrecks. I am terrified at the thought of losing a loved one to a car accident. Losing a loved one at all, for that matter. But when I'm behind the wheel, I am very conscious of those around me. I never want my family to be in the newspaper for this reason. I know too many people that lost their lives behind the wheel, and I can't bear the thought of what those they left behind had to/continue to go through.

3.) Kidnapping. Period. I never let my guard down. I'm never 100% comfortable leaving my son with anyone other than my husband and I, only because I know how much more aware we are of our surroundings (others) than most, and how well we're able to defend ourselves and our son. Yes, I'm a paranoid momma, but you'll never catch my son on the news. Thank you, Marine Corps!

4.) Spiders. I. hate. them. I'm a firm believer that the Lord did not create them. Demons in disguise. They may fool you, but not me. I'm maybe a bit OCD too, I vacuum corners/ceilings/places where those suckers try to make their home more than the average person may.. :) And really when it comes down to it, I just scream until my husband hears where I am, and kills them for me. If he's not home, I'm not comfortable with JUST 'killing' the spider either. I need to crush it, and smear it. I need to make sure there is no possible way it can come back to life. And for those that think it's cute to 'decorate' with spiders for halloween... you're on my list.

5.) Bees. I've never been stung, and I'm honestly not worried about myself either. However, when one comes near Ayden, it's very hard for me to 'sit still and let them be' like you're supposed to. I want to swat and kill! As I'm sure you know, If a little one has an allergic reaction to a bee sting it can kill them, and quickly. I wish I could have an epi pin on hand 'just incase' but it's not possible without a prescription. I don't agree with that, I believe they should be readily available for anyone with children under the age of 10- no prescription needed. My mom works at a doctors office & recently experienced a little boy around the age of 5 who was clinging to life because of a bee sting. He was just eating ice-cream with his parents one second, "OUCH" the next, then his throat was closing moments after. I cannot fathom being so helpless.. this world can be so mean. It's just one of those things you have to trust the Lord has in His hands. This world isn't perfect, and life is so very precious! The little boy DID survive, I'm happy to say, but what a horrible thing to have to go through because of a BEE. So this is why I fear them.

I really don't have any other fears that are worthy of sharing, actually, I can't think of any more at all.. maybe I'm just exhausted from our long day of playing outside! It was perfect weather for little man to enjoy, and enjoy he did! He wants to be outside ALL day now. He's content after waking up from naps for maybe 15 minutes, then he's at the door pounding and fussing until I take him outside! We spent maybe a few hours inside today, tops. But I am so happy he enjoys the outdoors so much- there's nothing like fresh air all day!! Happy baby, happy momma.. :)

Sweet dreams, friends!

Nine loves

*NINE LOVES*

1.) Candles. There's just something about them. I love the scent, the flame, the flicker.. everything about candles. I prefer scents that are are relaxing- vanilla & sandalwood is one of my favorites! My son recently decided that he also, shares my love for candles. But he prefers eating them!

2.) Drama. In the form of television- only. Kardashians, Real Housewives.. love love love!

3.) My doctors. I have seriously been blessed with the greatest group of people taking care of my health- I have a wonderful relationship with all of them. From my dentist to my my OBGYN, I.am.blessed. If you are looking for a doctor, ask me. I will hook you up!

4.) Family. Jaymes & Ayden are my world. Those guys keep it spinning, and I don't know what I would do without them both in my life. They love me unconditionally & I could not ask for more than that as a wife or a mother. I LOVE YOU JAYMES AND AYDEN!

5.) Shopping. I sometimes get carried away with material things, like the average woman can.. but for the most part I just enjoy grocery shopping! Food excites me, and I'm always on the lookout for new recipes to try. Yum, again.

6.) The Lord. He is my rock, and He is by NO means #6 in my life.. (this isn't an "in order" list!) I wouldn't be here without Him, I wouldn't be healing from a horrible depression without Him, and I would suffer an eternity in hell without Him. I think I'll leave it at that- He is #1.

7.) Organic goodness. I am addicted to eating organic food! I still eat plenty that isn't organic, but I really love knowing what's going into my food.. rather, what ISN'T going into my food. 'Down to Earth' is my absolute FAVORITE store. I love it more than any store in the mall!

8.) Laughter. Best medicine out there!

9.) Sleep. At the end of my long (but incredibly rewarding) days of chasing Ayden, there is NOTHING better than collapsing into my comfy bed, under the big comforter, and passing out. Simple as that- I love sleep.

Long, long, long day today! Full of shots, appointments, & a screaming baby.. I am so ready for #9.

10 day challenge

I came across this 10 day challenge via another blog I follow, and thought it looked fun! I normally don't do things like this, but every once in awhile I give in. If nothing else, it's a good way to unwind! This particular post could be interesting, seeing as I don't really have a lot of "secrets" that one person or the other doesn't know about.. but we'll see what I can come up with, maybe I'll shock everyone! ;)

*TEN SECRETS*

1.) I love scary movies, but I can't watch them unless I want Jaymes to escort me to the restroom (in the middle of the night.. when it's dark) for the next month. The last one I watched was over 2 years ago, and it still re-plays in my mind like it was yesterday- horrible!

2.) I am addicted to "smell good" things. Scentsy's, wallflowers, candles.. I love them all. You won't find a room in our home that isn't equipped with one or more of these things!

3.) I am also, addicted, to a few "taboo" television shows- Keeping up with the Kardashians, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I. am. obsessed. I will leave it at that!

4.) Biggest pet peeve- people that know-it-all. I don't have friends like this, and fortunately I'm not related to anyone like this (give or a take a few..). When I cross paths with this breed, I remove myself from the situation quickly so I don't say something "silly"! Nobody knows everything, and sometimes we're ALL wrong!

5.) I sleep talk like crazy. I often times wake myself (and my husband) up by talking aloud. I did it last night, and husband moaned at me.. I imagine it gets old- sorry babe! :)

6.) I am on a "eat minimal sweets" diet in favor of my depression. Sweets are a quick high, with a mean drop. So, instead of eating them during the day, I shove them in my mouth in the middle of the night after Ayden nurses- I see it like this: My "drop" has to happen while I'm sleeping, so I don't suffer ANY consequences from this.. right? Right...

7.) My husband does the laundry in our household (minus Ayden's) because if it were up to me, I wouldn't do a load until we were both out of underwear! I am a total clean freak, but I hate hate hate laundry. Thank you, husband for being so gracious and taking on this chore. :)

8.) I procrastinate a LOT.. (see above^). I may seem to most people like I have "it together", but I promise you there's at least one task always "pending". Right now, it's a massive amount of medical bills we've accumulated over the past few months. yuck.

9.) My sister is 13 years older than me, and my best friend. I love her!

10.) I often times forget we have a dog, and forget to feed him/water him/let him outside.. I've gotten much better though, promise! We love you, Dozer!!!

Hope you all are having a great week, and got some form on enjoyment from this!

Entering into the "toddler" phase

Ayden James is now a toddler! A TODDLER! I'm coming to terms with it, but I will never stop saying how crazy fast time goes. Blink. Another year, come and gone! Literally, that fast!

Whew, okay enough of that.

Cute little fact: "toddler" in the dictionary, is "one who toddles".. and we are finding this to be very true these days! Ayden enjoys cruising around the furniture now more than crawling, he will even stand straight up without holding onto anything! He just hasn't figured out that he doesn't have to go back to his knees to move around. Soon, though. I don't doubt it! We've actually joked that he's going to skip walking and go straight to running- which wouldn't surprise me a bit with the amount of energy he has! :)

His vocabulary is ever-widening. "WOP, dap, da, mmma, and up" are the words you will hear him say most. Wop is his newest, and most favorite. (I will do my best to post a video soon of how he says it because it's just too cute!) He just roams around the house saying, "Wop DA wop wop wop" all day long! I've never heard/seen anything cuter!

We're working on animal sounds & letter sounds with him, and he's catching on rather quickly! His eyes light up when you do one of his favorites- cow "mmm "M" mooooo" smile smile smile, rip the toy cow out of my hand and examine every inch of it! Then sometimes you'll hear him say, "Mmmma!" He tries so hard!! I love helping him learn these things! His world is opening up a little more every day.

Ayden's hair is getting so long, and I.LOVE.IT! He has 2 absolutely perfect symmetrical curls on the sides of his head. It adds such character to him! My husband has said once or twice that he needs a good haircut, but I'm starting to notice that he's falling more and more in love with the length/curls too. Which is a good thing, because a haircut wasn't going to happen. ;)

He eats. And he eats a LOT. On top of nursing every 3 hours (and at least once in the middle of the night), he eats 3 full meals, and 1 snack. And I wonder why our grocery bill is so much?!! This boy eats more than we do! Well, more than daddy. But, I have to keep up with Ayden- that's my excuse! He does have a "picky palate" if you will. He won't touch most red meat, and if his chicken isn't perfectly tender- forget it! Fruits & veggies are always a go. He recently decided okra (raw) was a delicious snack! Me too. So needless to say, he's getting PLENTY of nutrition.. one way or another.

That's all for now, just thought a little Ayden update would be an appropriate way to start the week!

Blessings in disguise

Today has been full of runs to CVS, endless calls to the emergency room, and lots of attempts to keep our sick baby boy happy. I could complain, and say that I'm SO exhausted from hardly any sleep last night, and very short breaks today.. but my heart instead, is filled to the brim with joy!

Let me explain..

Ayden has wanted nothing but to be in his mommy's arms today. Since waking up this morning, he's pretty much been in them, too. His schedule consisted of a visit to the doctor first thing, (which confirmed an ear infection.. 5 days before his birthday, and 2 before his party- please pray for speedy recovery..!), and lots and lots of cartoons & naps. He would be content awake, and rocking in mommy's arms for maybe 30 minutes, then need a 30 minute nap.. this went on and on until around supper time when he finally got a mini boost of energy! He played and babbled for the first time all day, and started to show some of his true colors again.

At one point earlier today, I was changing his diaper while he was watching YO GABBA GABBA (his absolute fav!).. when I was done he just laid there for another 10 minutes.. usually, he's doing back-flips to get away from the diaper change! After those 10 minutes had past, he looked over at me, barely lifted himself up, put his head on my lap and fell asleep.. that NEVER happens. Poor guy was just miserable, but knowing that my touch alone could bring him so much comfort just melted my heart..!

I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to cuddle with my precious angel again (ALL DAY).. just like when he was a wee little newborn. So, today was an amazing day.

My husband, is the best husband!

My husband is the greatest.

His job sometimes allows him to work from home. When this happens, it's a special surprise for Ayden & I! We've had such a great day, simply because we knew daddy was in the same house. Even though the majority of his time home consisted of being locked in his office, (so Ayden wouldn't destroy, I'm sorry, "kindly put his touch" on all of daddy's projects!) we still found extra happiness in the simple fact that he was close. Ayden and I both.

Brings me to my next thought, which I'll leave you with: my husband is a rare, rare breed.

There are so few men that have "the whole package" like my Jaymes does (at the age of 25, especially!) It's not very often you hear of a man that works full time, goes to school full time, does worship for his church, is a full time husband/father, does work on the side for family & friends, and yet NEVER complains about how crazy his schedule is, and how little time he has for himself. Blows.my.mind! He just doesn't complain, ever!! And he always has such a positive energy about him, that we ALL feed off. If I were in his shoes.. haha, well, there's a reason God didn't put me in those shoes now, isn't there? ;)

I'm so thankful for his ability, rather willingness, to balance all of those things and still be an absolutely outstanding husband to me, and father to our son. Even when we're both fussy!

I love that man so much.


(If you weren't keeping up with me during my fbook break, there's one more "new" post below this one..)

Discouraged, yet hopeful..

Last Tuesday (the 16th), I had a follow up appointment with my doctor in regards to my depression. You've all heard the story where "the air left the room when the news was broken". Well, this was similar to one of those. It went like this:

"So, Abby, how are you feeling now, a month later?"

"Well, I'm happy to say my anxiety is gone (thank the LORD), however my depression has hardly lifted, and that's the main issue I need solved! It seems like I have a good day, then a bad day, then a good day.. (etc.) my husband & I were discussing maybe the possibility of bipolar depression?"

Okay, now time-out. What's the FIRST thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word "bipolar"? Crazy person, right? Well, that stereotype can be very accurate for certain people, I'm sure. However, there are many people that suffer from bipolar and you'd never know it! It's actually a type of depression. It's diagnosed by the ups and downs in the depression, and the lack of consistency in mood. So one day, you may feel like you're doing pretty good, and the next.. you just want to sleep.

Okay, back to story-time.

Doc "Well, you did suffer from that when you were a bit younger, remember?"

"I do. You put me on lamictal (a common mood stabilizer), and it seemed to help a little."

"Yes, what you probably need now is a mood stabilizer in conjunction with your antidepressant so that you don't have to deal with the fluctuation in moods (good day, bad day, good day..). Without the stabilizer, your antidepressant isn't going to help much."

"Okay! Well, what are my options?"

"Well, we have a bit of a problem. There are no mood stabilizers that are safe for nursing/pregnancy."

Dead silence for a few moments.

Me: "Well, what am I supposed to do, then? My son has hardly started the weaning process, and we absolutely want more children..!"

"Well, you have a few options. Obviously you'll want to discuss them with your husband before we make any decisions today. The first is that the 2 of you decide you can handle life as it is right now, and make it through the rest of your pregnancies (and years of breastfeeding) without the help from the stabilizer. The second, is that you stop nursing, start the mood stabilizer, and when you decide to get pregnant again, come off it. I highly advise against this route, because you will have a huge drop in your depression again."

There was a 3rd, he's just too nice to say it: Start the stabilizer, stop nursing, and have no more children.

"So basically, none of those are going to work."

We sat there for a few more minutes when the "light bulb" went on in my mind.

"What if we tried raising the dosage of my anti-depressant, so that even if my moods fluxuate, the "downs" aren't so horrible. Make sense?"

"It does! We can certainly try it, and see how it goes.. hope for the best."

So that's how it ended, we doubled my dosage, and within the next few weeks I'm supposed to notice the difference if it's going to help.

We're asking for prayer, friends.

Basically, this is either going to work, or it isn't. If it doesn't, I don't know what we're going to do. We don't have any other options but to A: Suck it up, or B: stop having children.. neither of those are going to work for us.

The Lord has a plan with this, I know He does.. but it's really, really hard to focus on that right now.

I'm getting all of my vitamin levels checked this week, just to rule out the possibility of any contributing factors to the depression. I had my thyroid levels checked last week, and those came back normal.. so that's good.

I will continue updating as we learn more, and make decisions.

Thank you for your support!

Kisses!

Ayden kissed us tonight.

Jaymes & I do story time with him every night in our bed before sleep, followed by prayer.

Jaymes read a story, I read a story, then Ayden turned to mommy (as usual) and we started prayer.

I got as far as, "Lord, we just want to thank you for Ayden. He is such a huge blessing..."

Ayden suddenly stopped sucking him thumb, and grabbed my face (I assumed he was going to bite me, because he's teething, and that's usually what happens..). He pulled my face closer to his, and put his lips on mine.

I said, "Was that a KISS, Ayden?!!" He smiled SO big, then laughed.

He turned toward daddy, and did the same thing.

Then back to me for 20 more (or so).

Jaymes & I cried, and cried, and cried!

A moment we will treasure forever- the first time that our son CHOSE to express his love for us.

He will never know how much we love him!!

Thanking God.

I am happy, blessed to say that the Lord is doing amazing things in my life!

The biggest, greatest thing He's been working on for awhile now (my whole life, actually) is strengthening my relationship with Him. He wants me to need Him, and boy do I need Him!

I've asked Him specifically to show me ways that I can help make our relationship stronger, and He has. He's shown me things I need to remove from my life all-together, and He's shown me how to prioritize better so that He's more "CENTER" than ever before.

I love how He works, friends.

This morning on my walk with Ayden, I was praying for him (as usual). But today, instead of specifically "asking" for certain blessings in his life, I chose to start with thanking Him for the blessings He's already poured out.. not just in Ayden's life, but in mine, and Jaymes'.

I didn't realize it until we were on our last stretch of road, but I'd spent the whole walk thanking Him.

God loves us so much. I don't care who you are, or what your life circumstances may be.. the Lord has blessed you. If you have trouble realizing in what ways you've been blessed, start with Salvation. He chose to send His only son to die for you, so you wouldn't have to suffer an eternity in hell. His ONLY son, for people that may not even choose to accept that amazing gift of love. I cannot even fathom the depth of His love for us all.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

Spirit "lifts" :)

So a few posts back I "came out" about my depression. I plan to continue blogging about it, as I find things that make this path easier, but today I wanted to specifically talk about the things that help me DRASTICALLY as I fight!

1. Excersise.

-I start my morning with a walk, with Ayden! We wake up, eat a good breakfast, and GO! We just go through the neighborhood (so maybe a couple miles total), but I usually feel a lot more awake & happy when I get some fresh air, and get my blood moving. Recently, I've "upped" my excersise routine, by adding an evening run with my hubby too! Again, just through the neighborhood.. but, it.feels.so.GOOD. The days when I'm not able to get out and move around, I notice a major difference in my over-all mood. Get out, and move around! Take your babies with!

2. Eating healthy.

This is HUGE. Even more so than the excersise. If you're not putting vitamins, minerals, protein, healthy fats, (all the good stuff) in your body, you're just digging a hole for the depression to get worse. I'm reminded of this fact, when I choose a cookie, chips, (etc.) for a snack instead of a good piece of fruit or a handful of veggies. (I have a horrible sweet tooth that I've been working on breaking for almost a year now..)! On days when I manage to eat a very healthy, the difference in my mood, just like with excersise, is MAJOR. When I combine the two? Pure bliss!

3. Prioritizing "me time".

-Impossible, right? WRONG! One of the biggest issues that women dealing with PPD have, is that they THINK every time they pass their child off to someone else so they can get something done, or do something for themselves, their being a bad mom. Satan LOVES when we believe that to be true, but most often it's not true. You should never feel bad for asking your spouse, or another family member/friend to take over so you can have a much deserved break. After-all, you can only be a good mother if you're good to yourself too! YOU are just as important as your child, so treat yourself every once in awhile. Go to the movies by yourself (recently had a friend that chose this for her "alone time" and loved it), make a little "mom cave" somewhere in the house so you can escape and do something you really enjoy (perhaps sewing, writing, scrap-booking, reading, or just praying), go for a drive just so you can blare your favorite music with the windows down, get ice cream and eat it ALL, take a long bubble bath!

4. Talking with friends.

-God created our friends for a reason: so we could have someone to lean on when we go through the "valleys" of life. I am so blessed to have the group of friends I do, and to live so close to the majority of them.. I am very, very thankful for that. I chose to tell my closest friends about my depression at the beginning, because I knew I couldn't do it without them by my side. Tell SOMEONE about what you're going through, and do it often! Keeping it bottled up inside does nothing good for yourself, and often times makes matters worse. That seems awfully cliche, and you'd assume that most people realize that, but when depression gets the best of you it's very hard to remember these things. So talk with your friends, meet with your friends and let your kiddos play while you chat, and tell them what's on your mind. God uses us, and our friends to help each other. :)

5. Most important: spending time daily with God (multiple times a day, even)!

-Devotions, time alone in prayer, time with my husband in prayer, time with Ayden in prayer, and time that all 3 of us spend in prayer- all of these are a must for me. I am SOOOO thankful we serve a God that is willing to listen to us 24/7 because I pray around the clock! And I'm so thankful that He doesn't get annoyed with the frequency of our prayers, but rather delights in the fact that we want to spend our time with Him. It's as simple as this: if I don't spend time with God every day, I have a horrible day. He wants us to need him like that. Actually, He designed us to need Him like that! So I strongly encourage you to spend time with the Lord every day. He understands that as mothers we sometimes don't have 5 minutes to ourselves every day, but that certainly doesn't mean we can't talk to Him. Pray to Him while you're playing with your children, while you're cleaning up the thousandth mess of the day, or while you're doing the laundry.. again. He doesn't care if you aren't able to give Him your undivided attention every time you pray, He really doesn't. Of course, it's good to also have time in prayer where your attention IS undivided, but don't beat yourself up if it's not able to happen until bed time.

So, I realize if you're a mother reading this (and maybe also struggling with depression) you understand that it's incredibly hard to find time to do ANYTHING, let alone the things I've mentioned above. However, you can really make it work even if you have the craziest schedule. The results are so worth it, and if you are struggling with depression, you can't afford NOT to do these things. And, 4 of the 5 things, you can do WITH your children! "Prioritizing me time" is the only one I recommend doing completely on your own.. ;)

Our bodies are temples. We should treat them as such, even if we aren't depressed!

I hope that you're able to find time for YOU this week.. even if it's just a quick phone call to cheer you up, or a warm bath to relax you, or eating a ridiculously good grapefruit with brown sugar sprinkled on top in your "mom cave".. while reading your favorite magazine. Remember that you're a better momma when you're taking care of yourself! :)

Healing through Him!

-Abby

The miracle of life!

I can't believe my baby boy is going to be a YEAR old in less than 4 weeks! I swear it was just yesterday we were in the hospital anxiously awaiting his arrival. I remember it like it was yesterday.. thankfully not so much the pain of labor, but definitely the immense joy I was flooded with when I saw his face for the first time.

Labor was QUICK. I prepared myself for hours of excruciating pain, and only experienced 8 (of the active labor, anyhow). I was a bit in shock that it all went so fast. My husband left the hospital when I was around 4CM. to take our dog to his planned destination while we were in the hospital. The nurses were completely comfortable with him leaving, because of 3 reasons: by then, I'd had the epidural and my pain was manageable, I wasn't progressing very quickly, and he only had to travel 10 minutes down the road. Well, Jaymes, I bet you remember the rest of this story very well.. ;)

Routinely, a nurse came to check my progression about 20 minutes after he left. I was confused when she said, "Sweetheart, when will your husband be back?!" I said, "Uh, probably another 20 minutes.." She responded, "Call him, tell him to change his plans, you're at 8CM.. this baby is coming NOW!" Umm.. CRAP? Needless to say, Dozer had to suffer alone at home for the remainder of our time in the hospital (daddy was able to go back and feed him after Ayden arrived, but he didn't get the luxury experience of the puppy hotel as planned.. sorry Doz)!

Ayden arrived within another hour, which was the hardest hour on me.. but the most exciting one, too! This little angel I was laboring so hard for, was moments away from ARRIVING! Here's a few of our favorites that were taken after his arrival (in no particular order):

One proud daddy.

One proud mommy.

Squishy face! So kissable.

Perfect nose, lips, eyes, cheeks... everything

Taking a nap... such an angel!

Our first family picture: in complete AWE!

Ayden, you were, and are, absolutely PERFECT! Your mommy & daddy love you more than anything this entire world. XOXO!!!!!!!

A testimony worth sharing.

"Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see.. you’ll see..."

This isn't going to be an easy post, mainly because I've only shared this with my husband, and a few of my closest friends. God, however, is asking me to share this with the world- so here it goes.

September 7th, 2010- Ayden James Heare is born. The most beautiful little boy in the world. Born healthy as expected, and perfectly PERFECT. His little button nose, his big blues eyes, his frog legs, his innocent smile, simply everything about him. You could (and can) just see the very fingerprints of God over his whole being. Given to me, by God Himself? I'm amazed, in awe, that He found little old Abby worthy of such an incredible responsibility.. raising one of HIS precious children.

Okay. I have struggled with postpartum depression since a few weeks after Ayden was born. However, I didn't recognize it until he was around 7 months old. When it began, it really wasn't anything serious. My hormones were still leveling out as I got the hang of nursing, so that played into it at the start. I cried a lot for no reason. That was really it. As he got a little older, I always had issues with "keeping up" in the sense that I was constantly tired, and needing caffeine or a nap to keep going. I found it really hard to smile, and be happy.. even though I had been blessed with this beautiful little boy- smiling from the outsiders perspective, should come easily in my shoes. I really didn't think anything of it (assuming it would just pass) until much later, when I started feeling anger. An anger I've never felt before. It overwhelmed the innermost part of my being. Ayden was 7 months old when this started. When I would get angry (over the l.i.t.t.l.e.s.t things), I would have to set Ayden down and walk into the next room to punch/smack/or break the crap out of something. I told Jaymes what was going on, and my 3 closest girlfriends- outside of them, no one had a clue. I remember texting Crystal one afternoon, just asking her to pray. She called me to see if I needed her to come over.. (because she was well aware of my "state" at this point in time) I started balling because I didn't feel like I could keep living like I was. I was very much “stuck”. Needless to say- she was at my house within 10 minutes and spent the whole afternoon with me & Ayden, just letting me vent while our boys played. I can confidently say that if it weren't for friends like her, I would lose my mind.


Fast-forward a bit (to about 8 months): things got better in the sense that I wasn't feeling that anger anymore. That was a HUGE blessing. I started to feel human again, and much more in control of myself. So I don't need help, right? Oh. my. wrong. I still don't have energy, I'm still not happy (like I should be), and I've lost interest in so many things I used to love doing. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just snap out of it? It's been 8 months. I just need to be stronger. I'm going to do devotions & spend time with the Lord everyday, just the 2 of us. I'll see what He has to say about this mess (thank GOD I did).

Megan Breedlove (www.mannaformoms.com) writes amazing devotions for mothers. Every day when Ayden went down for his first nap, I would (and still do) read one of the devotions that she posts weekly to her blog. She also has an amazing book. She has been very blessed with the gift of encouragement. Her posts are God breathed, and they never disappoint me. Anyhow, after I would read, I would spend time in prayer. Specifically asking that God would show me what I need to do to be healthy again. I was convinced at this point (8 months) that it was just going to "fix", and that with God's help alone I would be good as new. Well, that was my unrealistic expectation of my circumstance. I did this routine for a month, when it finally hit me that I NEEDED HELP- I could NOT heal without. I had to act NOW.

I called my doctor right away and scheduled an appointment to see him ASAP- well, "ASAP" was one month from that date because he was on vacation. I waited. I wasn't comfortable seeing any other doctor for something this serious. I trust my doctor, I've seen him forever, and I know I'm in good hands with him. It takes awhile for me to build trust in a doctor, which is why I HATE leaving them once I've established a good relationship with one. As you can imagine, it was a VERY long month. I'd finally realized that more or less, I'd been in denial for 9 months, and desperately needed help. I was missing out on so much.

Can I just say I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father? I don't know where I'd be without Him, and I really don't want to think about it! The Lord was (and is) my strength. He has shown me time and time again that even when I feel like I’m failing as a mother, I’m not. Just because I don’t always have energy, just because I’m not always a happy-go-lucky momma, does not mean I don’t love my son more than anything in this world, and does NOT mean that I’m failing as his mother. I had trouble realizing this before He filled me with his perfect peace. Now I’m confident that the Lord placed Ayden in my life because He knew I’d be the perfect mother for him here on earth.. and with the Lord’s help, I am the perfect mother for Ayden. I love him.

The appointment went very well. I poured my heart out & explained exactly what had been going on for so long. I realized then, that I should have done this so much sooner. We discussed my options as far as medication goes- (something I haven't mentioned yet, is that along with this depression I've had horrible bouts of anxiety- to the point where I start hyperventilating & my blood pressure sky rockets) since I'm nursing, that makes my list of medication options dwindle significantly, but thankfully, there were still some safe options. I am currently taking an SSRI antidepressant, and have been on it for exactly 3 weeks. The way the SSRI antidepressants work, is by increasing the serotonin in the brain (the "happy" chemical). My doctor gave me fair warning that it would take a good few weeks to build up in my system, but really, I've only noticed a huge change in the anxiety. I don't have panic attacks anymore, and when I feel one coming on, I can make it stop. It's amazing. However, the depression is really the biggest issue, and it's discouraging that here I am, 3 weeks later, still waiting for that "miraculous" change in mood.

Recently, Megan Breedlove sent me a personal e-mail of encouragement because she too, went through PPD. I had commented on one of her devotions just thanking her for it. It was just what I needed to read that day. I had mentioned that I was struggling with PPD, and that all of her posts helped me daily to get by. She jumped right in and told me that she, too, struggled with the same thing and would love to help me in any way she could. Now, as mentioned above, I hadn't told many people at all, so I was hesitant at first to explain my situation to her. I am so thankful I did, though! The response she sent me was something that I read over & over again.

A few pieces from the e-mail:

"Please know that God knew you would suffer depression after the birth of your son. Yet He still chose to give your son to you. Somehow, your depression is part of His plan for your son's life. Don't assume that just because you can't always feel the warm emotions you want to feel toward your son, that your son is missing out or somehow "doomed" to suffer emotional consequences. God can--and will!--take care of your son so that His plans for your son's life come to pass. Your depression will not frustrate His plans."

"Perhaps, also, during this time you have a wonderful opportunity to learn what love truly is. In the Love Chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, it describes what love is. Not once does that passage say that love is "feelings". You may not always have warm feelings for your son, but you can still love him very well."

"Also, just remember that it's okay to take things one day at a time. Sometimes when feeling depressed, I would be down on myself for not looking forward to the future very much. It seemed like nothing was very exciting to me. But I realized--and I hope you will realize--that that's okay. Making it through one day at a time is good enough."

There's more, but those 3 things alone have helped me daily. I am in the process of healing! It's a slower process than I'd like, but have you heard the song, "This is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli? "..might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use!"..? I've focused on that for awhile now, and prayed that God would use my depression as a tool to lead other's to Him. I don't for a second want my depression to just be another thing I "went through". I want to help others, and show them that even on the hardest days, God is there to pull you through and give you the strength you don't have without Him.

I know that I bought into Satan's lie that "no one could understand exactly what I'm going through, so I'm not going to talk about it, or even ask for help". And that's exactly what he wants us to believe- that we're stuck, and are doomed to suffer alone. God says otherwise, friends! THIS is the stuff He uses. So if you know someone who's struggling with depression as a new mother, send them my way. I am not perfect, and I still struggle daily. But there's 2 ways to suffer- alone, or with the help of others, and the Lord.

That's my testimony. God is so very present in the midst of your trials. I'm not sure what they are.. whether you, also, struggle with PPD, or maybe something else.. maybe even worse. But I am 100% sure that if you ask Him to help you, spend time with Him daily, and completely surrender your whole circumstance unto Him, He will begin to heal you, and He will use you & your situation to help others. He will never place a heartache in your life before having it go through His hands first, and without giving you the strength you need to pull through. God uses all things for His glory, and God is always good. Please believe that!

"Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning..

Once you feel the weight of glory, all your pain will fade to memory.."

My pain is fading to memory, and I want to help those who have yet to feel that weight.

Share this with others.

Love you all.

"and the greatest of these is love.."

Jaymes started school back up last night- he's attending Indiana Tech & taking sociology for the next 5 weeks. This means he's gone one night a week, until about 9:30. So as much as that's a bummer, it's also great for our family. Since he's in the Marine Corps, we're getting BAH for him going to school full time, which is a huge huge blessing (about an extra grand a month for us to save up and get a place of our own). We've been praying that this would be a positive experience for him- that he would enjoy every moment in class, that he would have great teachers, and that he would meet some great people.

Last night he came home around 9:45 as I was just getting out of the shower and getting ready to go to sleep. He had stories, and lots of them. He said that at the beginning of class they did a "get to know each other" activity. Jaymes strolled in after everyone else did, so he was sitting in the far back by himself. The teacher said, "Okay, everyone choose a partner- your job is to choose someone you don't know, and get to know them!" Jaymes said that everyone paired up within a few seconds except for one young man sitting in the middle of class, who came with a friend (so, he obviously couldn't use him as his partner). Jaymes was still looking for someone too, but wasn't having much luck. After a few seconds they made eye contact and the rest was history- they were partners!

I think this activity lasted just a few minutes, but Jaymes learned a whole lot about this gentleman in the time they had. His name is Cherron (sp?), he's 23, and he has an 8 year old and 5 year old. He told Jaymes he doesn't have a job right now, but he's going to school full time so he can start up his own restaurant and provide better for his family. Jaymes said that he talked about how his children hardly have any material things right now, but they do have love. They know that their daddy loves them, and more importantly, they know that Jesus loves them. Jaymes was blown away by this young man's faith, love, and determination.

This story smacked me across the face. How often to I COMPLAIN about what I don't have, what I do want, and how annoying it is that I have to wait for these things. Yet, I have clothes on my back, clean water, plenty of food on my plate, a roof over my head, a wonderful group of doctors, a beautiful little boy, an amazing husband (the list goes on). My son has enough toys to last him a lifetime, enough food to eat as much as his little heart desires, and a family that loves him more than anything in this world. Yet, I complain because I can't have what I want, when I want it. How immature, when some people have so little, and are so very content with what the Lord has chosen to give them.

Needless to say, I was a sobbing mess after hearing this story. I'm so glad Jaymes met Cherron, and I hope that a wonderful friendship blossoms between the two of them. I want to meet him and his children, and be a light to them.

Spend today, tomorrow, and all the days God blesses you with, focusing on what you do have- and much less on what you don't.

June.. already?

Well, this time last year I was already "over" being pregnant, and ready to meet our precious little man, but still had a full 3 months of pregnancy ahead of me- ha! He was born in perfect timing though (literally, right smack dab on his due date) and we are so very thankful for the blessing he is to our life's! I just wanted to start with that, because quite frankly, it's so hard to believe how fast this year has gone! We're just T-3 months to Ayden's first birthday, and it's so bittersweet! :( He is changing so fast at this age (I should add, he's always changed fast- it's just that this past month has been full of some pretty big milestones for him)! He recently started going from the laying position to the sitting position, and then back and forth. I had no idea this meant a whole new "can of worms" was opening though. Starting Saturday, we put Ayden down for his morning nap around 9 as usual, and about 10 minutes later we heard what sounded like him blowing raspberries in his crib- so of course, we went to check it out.. he was sitting up, looking at the door, crying & blowing raspberries in-between breaths. Funniest thing I've seen in a LONG time.. (funny until we realized that this actually means he's charge of when he really falls asleep now.) His 2nd nap was just as interesting, and his 3rd he chose to skip all-together. If we've ever seen our life's change before our eyes, it was then!!! He's testing our patience, and slowly (but surely) learning what the word "NO" means! We have a very determined little man on our hands, and I really hope he carries this remarkable trait all through his life!

Other news on Ayden: his 9 month check is right around the corner, which means, more shots.. but also means we get to see how much he weighs, etc. and that's always exciting! Lets see, he's not crawling yet, but he gets on all 4's and scoots backwards/stumbles forward- so I have no doubt that we're super close to the real thing. He's MUCH happier than he's ever been before with this new found sense of independence! Ayden really enjoys playing with his friends- Kyle Pannabecker & him are best buds, OH, and Emma Pannabecker is his girlfriend (they've been on 2 dinner dates already, and even though I love her.. I think they need to slow things down a bit)! It's so cute to watch the boys interact though. It's amazing how different they are with only 5 1/2 months in-between them (which someday, will be like nothing)!

We had the Pannabeckers over for supper on Saturday night, and the boys just loved playing (Emma enjoyed watching, of course)! Kyle throws things at Ayden out of excitement, and Ayden, in return, attempts to rip every part of Kyle's face off- it's a healthy relationship, I'd say! ;) (for those of you reading and wondering why on earth we'd allow our babies to do this- Kyle is just over one year old, and Ayden is about 9 months- so really, they don't know any better yet. Either way, we can't wait to tell them how they treated each-other when they were babies.. right, Crystal?) We're thankful for Brandon & Crystal and the friendship we share with them. It's a huge blessing to have friends in the same stage of life living so close to us- literally, a 10 minute trip down the road instead of 2,000 miles away-HUGE blessing! We love you guys!

Sunday we had our Church community outreach carnival- it was loads of fun! There was all sorts of food, cotton candy, popcorn, snow cones, kids running around everywhere, live music, etc. etc. etc.! Ayden got the privelage of going on his very first horsie ride with his momma (I'll post pictures on facebook soon of all of Ayden's "firsts" this weekend- ((driving the car, his first lick of ice-cream, putting his toes in the pool, and playing in his crib while he's supposed to be sleeping)) so much fun)! He was hesitant at first, but once we got up there and started moving around, he had the time of his life. I think this means we have to buy a horse..! ;) We had a great turnout too, so I hope we'll be seeing more faces at Cedar Road in the weeks to come. Good work to everyone that pitched in!

Another thing I'll blog about this time: how incredibly powerful our Lord is.

I feel blessed to say that I've been "in a relationship" with God since I was in Kindergarten- ha! However, just in recent months, my relationship with Him has really deepened, and is exactly where I want it to be. There is nothing more rewarding then a DEEP relationship with our Savior, friends. I've learned recently (always known, but recently have learned), that sometimes, He will allow us to fall to our very lowest point, just to lift us to the highest & make us stronger than we ever were before. I've also learned that you have to ASK Him for help, and not just assume that He will help. Not because He doesn't know our needs (He's God, of course He knows what we need), but because He wants us to acknowledge that we can't do it without Him, and specifically ask for His help. It's amazing how quickly He intervenes on our behalf's when we admit we can't do it on our own. God works in funny ways, and I'm so very thankful for His humor!

Friends, I really do have the best husband in this whole world. I don't deserve Jaymes, yet God has given me the privelage of being his wife here on earth, and I couldn't be more honored! He rarely thinks of himself first, and is always doing cute little things for me when I need a "spirit lift". I had a horrible day with Ayden a few weeks ago, and he came home from work with a rose in his mouth.. for me! This past week, yet another horrible day, and he walked through the door with a candle and insisted I stop what I was doing immediately, and go take a relaxing bubble bath by candlelight. Seriously, SO blessed I am- he never focuses on how hard, or long his day was, and always makes sure I get enough "me time".. which is CRUCIAL as a momma!! I couldn't have picked a better daddy for my son, either. Ayden will never know how much that man loves him, and how far he would go to make sure he has the best life possible. Thank you, Lord, for placing Jaymes in our life's!

I'll end with the lyrics to this beautiful song, "Love never fails" by Brandon Heath. It's made a huge impact on my life recently, and I hope it does the same for you.

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

The Heares :)