Blessings in disguise

Today has been full of runs to CVS, endless calls to the emergency room, and lots of attempts to keep our sick baby boy happy. I could complain, and say that I'm SO exhausted from hardly any sleep last night, and very short breaks today.. but my heart instead, is filled to the brim with joy!

Let me explain..

Ayden has wanted nothing but to be in his mommy's arms today. Since waking up this morning, he's pretty much been in them, too. His schedule consisted of a visit to the doctor first thing, (which confirmed an ear infection.. 5 days before his birthday, and 2 before his party- please pray for speedy recovery..!), and lots and lots of cartoons & naps. He would be content awake, and rocking in mommy's arms for maybe 30 minutes, then need a 30 minute nap.. this went on and on until around supper time when he finally got a mini boost of energy! He played and babbled for the first time all day, and started to show some of his true colors again.

At one point earlier today, I was changing his diaper while he was watching YO GABBA GABBA (his absolute fav!).. when I was done he just laid there for another 10 minutes.. usually, he's doing back-flips to get away from the diaper change! After those 10 minutes had past, he looked over at me, barely lifted himself up, put his head on my lap and fell asleep.. that NEVER happens. Poor guy was just miserable, but knowing that my touch alone could bring him so much comfort just melted my heart..!

I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to cuddle with my precious angel again (ALL DAY).. just like when he was a wee little newborn. So, today was an amazing day.

My husband, is the best husband!

My husband is the greatest.

His job sometimes allows him to work from home. When this happens, it's a special surprise for Ayden & I! We've had such a great day, simply because we knew daddy was in the same house. Even though the majority of his time home consisted of being locked in his office, (so Ayden wouldn't destroy, I'm sorry, "kindly put his touch" on all of daddy's projects!) we still found extra happiness in the simple fact that he was close. Ayden and I both.

Brings me to my next thought, which I'll leave you with: my husband is a rare, rare breed.

There are so few men that have "the whole package" like my Jaymes does (at the age of 25, especially!) It's not very often you hear of a man that works full time, goes to school full time, does worship for his church, is a full time husband/father, does work on the side for family & friends, and yet NEVER complains about how crazy his schedule is, and how little time he has for himself. Blows.my.mind! He just doesn't complain, ever!! And he always has such a positive energy about him, that we ALL feed off. If I were in his shoes.. haha, well, there's a reason God didn't put me in those shoes now, isn't there? ;)

I'm so thankful for his ability, rather willingness, to balance all of those things and still be an absolutely outstanding husband to me, and father to our son. Even when we're both fussy!

I love that man so much.


(If you weren't keeping up with me during my fbook break, there's one more "new" post below this one..)

Discouraged, yet hopeful..

Last Tuesday (the 16th), I had a follow up appointment with my doctor in regards to my depression. You've all heard the story where "the air left the room when the news was broken". Well, this was similar to one of those. It went like this:

"So, Abby, how are you feeling now, a month later?"

"Well, I'm happy to say my anxiety is gone (thank the LORD), however my depression has hardly lifted, and that's the main issue I need solved! It seems like I have a good day, then a bad day, then a good day.. (etc.) my husband & I were discussing maybe the possibility of bipolar depression?"

Okay, now time-out. What's the FIRST thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word "bipolar"? Crazy person, right? Well, that stereotype can be very accurate for certain people, I'm sure. However, there are many people that suffer from bipolar and you'd never know it! It's actually a type of depression. It's diagnosed by the ups and downs in the depression, and the lack of consistency in mood. So one day, you may feel like you're doing pretty good, and the next.. you just want to sleep.

Okay, back to story-time.

Doc "Well, you did suffer from that when you were a bit younger, remember?"

"I do. You put me on lamictal (a common mood stabilizer), and it seemed to help a little."

"Yes, what you probably need now is a mood stabilizer in conjunction with your antidepressant so that you don't have to deal with the fluctuation in moods (good day, bad day, good day..). Without the stabilizer, your antidepressant isn't going to help much."

"Okay! Well, what are my options?"

"Well, we have a bit of a problem. There are no mood stabilizers that are safe for nursing/pregnancy."

Dead silence for a few moments.

Me: "Well, what am I supposed to do, then? My son has hardly started the weaning process, and we absolutely want more children..!"

"Well, you have a few options. Obviously you'll want to discuss them with your husband before we make any decisions today. The first is that the 2 of you decide you can handle life as it is right now, and make it through the rest of your pregnancies (and years of breastfeeding) without the help from the stabilizer. The second, is that you stop nursing, start the mood stabilizer, and when you decide to get pregnant again, come off it. I highly advise against this route, because you will have a huge drop in your depression again."

There was a 3rd, he's just too nice to say it: Start the stabilizer, stop nursing, and have no more children.

"So basically, none of those are going to work."

We sat there for a few more minutes when the "light bulb" went on in my mind.

"What if we tried raising the dosage of my anti-depressant, so that even if my moods fluxuate, the "downs" aren't so horrible. Make sense?"

"It does! We can certainly try it, and see how it goes.. hope for the best."

So that's how it ended, we doubled my dosage, and within the next few weeks I'm supposed to notice the difference if it's going to help.

We're asking for prayer, friends.

Basically, this is either going to work, or it isn't. If it doesn't, I don't know what we're going to do. We don't have any other options but to A: Suck it up, or B: stop having children.. neither of those are going to work for us.

The Lord has a plan with this, I know He does.. but it's really, really hard to focus on that right now.

I'm getting all of my vitamin levels checked this week, just to rule out the possibility of any contributing factors to the depression. I had my thyroid levels checked last week, and those came back normal.. so that's good.

I will continue updating as we learn more, and make decisions.

Thank you for your support!

Kisses!

Ayden kissed us tonight.

Jaymes & I do story time with him every night in our bed before sleep, followed by prayer.

Jaymes read a story, I read a story, then Ayden turned to mommy (as usual) and we started prayer.

I got as far as, "Lord, we just want to thank you for Ayden. He is such a huge blessing..."

Ayden suddenly stopped sucking him thumb, and grabbed my face (I assumed he was going to bite me, because he's teething, and that's usually what happens..). He pulled my face closer to his, and put his lips on mine.

I said, "Was that a KISS, Ayden?!!" He smiled SO big, then laughed.

He turned toward daddy, and did the same thing.

Then back to me for 20 more (or so).

Jaymes & I cried, and cried, and cried!

A moment we will treasure forever- the first time that our son CHOSE to express his love for us.

He will never know how much we love him!!

Thanking God.

I am happy, blessed to say that the Lord is doing amazing things in my life!

The biggest, greatest thing He's been working on for awhile now (my whole life, actually) is strengthening my relationship with Him. He wants me to need Him, and boy do I need Him!

I've asked Him specifically to show me ways that I can help make our relationship stronger, and He has. He's shown me things I need to remove from my life all-together, and He's shown me how to prioritize better so that He's more "CENTER" than ever before.

I love how He works, friends.

This morning on my walk with Ayden, I was praying for him (as usual). But today, instead of specifically "asking" for certain blessings in his life, I chose to start with thanking Him for the blessings He's already poured out.. not just in Ayden's life, but in mine, and Jaymes'.

I didn't realize it until we were on our last stretch of road, but I'd spent the whole walk thanking Him.

God loves us so much. I don't care who you are, or what your life circumstances may be.. the Lord has blessed you. If you have trouble realizing in what ways you've been blessed, start with Salvation. He chose to send His only son to die for you, so you wouldn't have to suffer an eternity in hell. His ONLY son, for people that may not even choose to accept that amazing gift of love. I cannot even fathom the depth of His love for us all.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

Spirit "lifts" :)

So a few posts back I "came out" about my depression. I plan to continue blogging about it, as I find things that make this path easier, but today I wanted to specifically talk about the things that help me DRASTICALLY as I fight!

1. Excersise.

-I start my morning with a walk, with Ayden! We wake up, eat a good breakfast, and GO! We just go through the neighborhood (so maybe a couple miles total), but I usually feel a lot more awake & happy when I get some fresh air, and get my blood moving. Recently, I've "upped" my excersise routine, by adding an evening run with my hubby too! Again, just through the neighborhood.. but, it.feels.so.GOOD. The days when I'm not able to get out and move around, I notice a major difference in my over-all mood. Get out, and move around! Take your babies with!

2. Eating healthy.

This is HUGE. Even more so than the excersise. If you're not putting vitamins, minerals, protein, healthy fats, (all the good stuff) in your body, you're just digging a hole for the depression to get worse. I'm reminded of this fact, when I choose a cookie, chips, (etc.) for a snack instead of a good piece of fruit or a handful of veggies. (I have a horrible sweet tooth that I've been working on breaking for almost a year now..)! On days when I manage to eat a very healthy, the difference in my mood, just like with excersise, is MAJOR. When I combine the two? Pure bliss!

3. Prioritizing "me time".

-Impossible, right? WRONG! One of the biggest issues that women dealing with PPD have, is that they THINK every time they pass their child off to someone else so they can get something done, or do something for themselves, their being a bad mom. Satan LOVES when we believe that to be true, but most often it's not true. You should never feel bad for asking your spouse, or another family member/friend to take over so you can have a much deserved break. After-all, you can only be a good mother if you're good to yourself too! YOU are just as important as your child, so treat yourself every once in awhile. Go to the movies by yourself (recently had a friend that chose this for her "alone time" and loved it), make a little "mom cave" somewhere in the house so you can escape and do something you really enjoy (perhaps sewing, writing, scrap-booking, reading, or just praying), go for a drive just so you can blare your favorite music with the windows down, get ice cream and eat it ALL, take a long bubble bath!

4. Talking with friends.

-God created our friends for a reason: so we could have someone to lean on when we go through the "valleys" of life. I am so blessed to have the group of friends I do, and to live so close to the majority of them.. I am very, very thankful for that. I chose to tell my closest friends about my depression at the beginning, because I knew I couldn't do it without them by my side. Tell SOMEONE about what you're going through, and do it often! Keeping it bottled up inside does nothing good for yourself, and often times makes matters worse. That seems awfully cliche, and you'd assume that most people realize that, but when depression gets the best of you it's very hard to remember these things. So talk with your friends, meet with your friends and let your kiddos play while you chat, and tell them what's on your mind. God uses us, and our friends to help each other. :)

5. Most important: spending time daily with God (multiple times a day, even)!

-Devotions, time alone in prayer, time with my husband in prayer, time with Ayden in prayer, and time that all 3 of us spend in prayer- all of these are a must for me. I am SOOOO thankful we serve a God that is willing to listen to us 24/7 because I pray around the clock! And I'm so thankful that He doesn't get annoyed with the frequency of our prayers, but rather delights in the fact that we want to spend our time with Him. It's as simple as this: if I don't spend time with God every day, I have a horrible day. He wants us to need him like that. Actually, He designed us to need Him like that! So I strongly encourage you to spend time with the Lord every day. He understands that as mothers we sometimes don't have 5 minutes to ourselves every day, but that certainly doesn't mean we can't talk to Him. Pray to Him while you're playing with your children, while you're cleaning up the thousandth mess of the day, or while you're doing the laundry.. again. He doesn't care if you aren't able to give Him your undivided attention every time you pray, He really doesn't. Of course, it's good to also have time in prayer where your attention IS undivided, but don't beat yourself up if it's not able to happen until bed time.

So, I realize if you're a mother reading this (and maybe also struggling with depression) you understand that it's incredibly hard to find time to do ANYTHING, let alone the things I've mentioned above. However, you can really make it work even if you have the craziest schedule. The results are so worth it, and if you are struggling with depression, you can't afford NOT to do these things. And, 4 of the 5 things, you can do WITH your children! "Prioritizing me time" is the only one I recommend doing completely on your own.. ;)

Our bodies are temples. We should treat them as such, even if we aren't depressed!

I hope that you're able to find time for YOU this week.. even if it's just a quick phone call to cheer you up, or a warm bath to relax you, or eating a ridiculously good grapefruit with brown sugar sprinkled on top in your "mom cave".. while reading your favorite magazine. Remember that you're a better momma when you're taking care of yourself! :)

Healing through Him!

-Abby

The miracle of life!

I can't believe my baby boy is going to be a YEAR old in less than 4 weeks! I swear it was just yesterday we were in the hospital anxiously awaiting his arrival. I remember it like it was yesterday.. thankfully not so much the pain of labor, but definitely the immense joy I was flooded with when I saw his face for the first time.

Labor was QUICK. I prepared myself for hours of excruciating pain, and only experienced 8 (of the active labor, anyhow). I was a bit in shock that it all went so fast. My husband left the hospital when I was around 4CM. to take our dog to his planned destination while we were in the hospital. The nurses were completely comfortable with him leaving, because of 3 reasons: by then, I'd had the epidural and my pain was manageable, I wasn't progressing very quickly, and he only had to travel 10 minutes down the road. Well, Jaymes, I bet you remember the rest of this story very well.. ;)

Routinely, a nurse came to check my progression about 20 minutes after he left. I was confused when she said, "Sweetheart, when will your husband be back?!" I said, "Uh, probably another 20 minutes.." She responded, "Call him, tell him to change his plans, you're at 8CM.. this baby is coming NOW!" Umm.. CRAP? Needless to say, Dozer had to suffer alone at home for the remainder of our time in the hospital (daddy was able to go back and feed him after Ayden arrived, but he didn't get the luxury experience of the puppy hotel as planned.. sorry Doz)!

Ayden arrived within another hour, which was the hardest hour on me.. but the most exciting one, too! This little angel I was laboring so hard for, was moments away from ARRIVING! Here's a few of our favorites that were taken after his arrival (in no particular order):

One proud daddy.

One proud mommy.

Squishy face! So kissable.

Perfect nose, lips, eyes, cheeks... everything

Taking a nap... such an angel!

Our first family picture: in complete AWE!

Ayden, you were, and are, absolutely PERFECT! Your mommy & daddy love you more than anything this entire world. XOXO!!!!!!!

A testimony worth sharing.

"Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see.. you’ll see..."

This isn't going to be an easy post, mainly because I've only shared this with my husband, and a few of my closest friends. God, however, is asking me to share this with the world- so here it goes.

September 7th, 2010- Ayden James Heare is born. The most beautiful little boy in the world. Born healthy as expected, and perfectly PERFECT. His little button nose, his big blues eyes, his frog legs, his innocent smile, simply everything about him. You could (and can) just see the very fingerprints of God over his whole being. Given to me, by God Himself? I'm amazed, in awe, that He found little old Abby worthy of such an incredible responsibility.. raising one of HIS precious children.

Okay. I have struggled with postpartum depression since a few weeks after Ayden was born. However, I didn't recognize it until he was around 7 months old. When it began, it really wasn't anything serious. My hormones were still leveling out as I got the hang of nursing, so that played into it at the start. I cried a lot for no reason. That was really it. As he got a little older, I always had issues with "keeping up" in the sense that I was constantly tired, and needing caffeine or a nap to keep going. I found it really hard to smile, and be happy.. even though I had been blessed with this beautiful little boy- smiling from the outsiders perspective, should come easily in my shoes. I really didn't think anything of it (assuming it would just pass) until much later, when I started feeling anger. An anger I've never felt before. It overwhelmed the innermost part of my being. Ayden was 7 months old when this started. When I would get angry (over the l.i.t.t.l.e.s.t things), I would have to set Ayden down and walk into the next room to punch/smack/or break the crap out of something. I told Jaymes what was going on, and my 3 closest girlfriends- outside of them, no one had a clue. I remember texting Crystal one afternoon, just asking her to pray. She called me to see if I needed her to come over.. (because she was well aware of my "state" at this point in time) I started balling because I didn't feel like I could keep living like I was. I was very much “stuck”. Needless to say- she was at my house within 10 minutes and spent the whole afternoon with me & Ayden, just letting me vent while our boys played. I can confidently say that if it weren't for friends like her, I would lose my mind.


Fast-forward a bit (to about 8 months): things got better in the sense that I wasn't feeling that anger anymore. That was a HUGE blessing. I started to feel human again, and much more in control of myself. So I don't need help, right? Oh. my. wrong. I still don't have energy, I'm still not happy (like I should be), and I've lost interest in so many things I used to love doing. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just snap out of it? It's been 8 months. I just need to be stronger. I'm going to do devotions & spend time with the Lord everyday, just the 2 of us. I'll see what He has to say about this mess (thank GOD I did).

Megan Breedlove (www.mannaformoms.com) writes amazing devotions for mothers. Every day when Ayden went down for his first nap, I would (and still do) read one of the devotions that she posts weekly to her blog. She also has an amazing book. She has been very blessed with the gift of encouragement. Her posts are God breathed, and they never disappoint me. Anyhow, after I would read, I would spend time in prayer. Specifically asking that God would show me what I need to do to be healthy again. I was convinced at this point (8 months) that it was just going to "fix", and that with God's help alone I would be good as new. Well, that was my unrealistic expectation of my circumstance. I did this routine for a month, when it finally hit me that I NEEDED HELP- I could NOT heal without. I had to act NOW.

I called my doctor right away and scheduled an appointment to see him ASAP- well, "ASAP" was one month from that date because he was on vacation. I waited. I wasn't comfortable seeing any other doctor for something this serious. I trust my doctor, I've seen him forever, and I know I'm in good hands with him. It takes awhile for me to build trust in a doctor, which is why I HATE leaving them once I've established a good relationship with one. As you can imagine, it was a VERY long month. I'd finally realized that more or less, I'd been in denial for 9 months, and desperately needed help. I was missing out on so much.

Can I just say I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father? I don't know where I'd be without Him, and I really don't want to think about it! The Lord was (and is) my strength. He has shown me time and time again that even when I feel like I’m failing as a mother, I’m not. Just because I don’t always have energy, just because I’m not always a happy-go-lucky momma, does not mean I don’t love my son more than anything in this world, and does NOT mean that I’m failing as his mother. I had trouble realizing this before He filled me with his perfect peace. Now I’m confident that the Lord placed Ayden in my life because He knew I’d be the perfect mother for him here on earth.. and with the Lord’s help, I am the perfect mother for Ayden. I love him.

The appointment went very well. I poured my heart out & explained exactly what had been going on for so long. I realized then, that I should have done this so much sooner. We discussed my options as far as medication goes- (something I haven't mentioned yet, is that along with this depression I've had horrible bouts of anxiety- to the point where I start hyperventilating & my blood pressure sky rockets) since I'm nursing, that makes my list of medication options dwindle significantly, but thankfully, there were still some safe options. I am currently taking an SSRI antidepressant, and have been on it for exactly 3 weeks. The way the SSRI antidepressants work, is by increasing the serotonin in the brain (the "happy" chemical). My doctor gave me fair warning that it would take a good few weeks to build up in my system, but really, I've only noticed a huge change in the anxiety. I don't have panic attacks anymore, and when I feel one coming on, I can make it stop. It's amazing. However, the depression is really the biggest issue, and it's discouraging that here I am, 3 weeks later, still waiting for that "miraculous" change in mood.

Recently, Megan Breedlove sent me a personal e-mail of encouragement because she too, went through PPD. I had commented on one of her devotions just thanking her for it. It was just what I needed to read that day. I had mentioned that I was struggling with PPD, and that all of her posts helped me daily to get by. She jumped right in and told me that she, too, struggled with the same thing and would love to help me in any way she could. Now, as mentioned above, I hadn't told many people at all, so I was hesitant at first to explain my situation to her. I am so thankful I did, though! The response she sent me was something that I read over & over again.

A few pieces from the e-mail:

"Please know that God knew you would suffer depression after the birth of your son. Yet He still chose to give your son to you. Somehow, your depression is part of His plan for your son's life. Don't assume that just because you can't always feel the warm emotions you want to feel toward your son, that your son is missing out or somehow "doomed" to suffer emotional consequences. God can--and will!--take care of your son so that His plans for your son's life come to pass. Your depression will not frustrate His plans."

"Perhaps, also, during this time you have a wonderful opportunity to learn what love truly is. In the Love Chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, it describes what love is. Not once does that passage say that love is "feelings". You may not always have warm feelings for your son, but you can still love him very well."

"Also, just remember that it's okay to take things one day at a time. Sometimes when feeling depressed, I would be down on myself for not looking forward to the future very much. It seemed like nothing was very exciting to me. But I realized--and I hope you will realize--that that's okay. Making it through one day at a time is good enough."

There's more, but those 3 things alone have helped me daily. I am in the process of healing! It's a slower process than I'd like, but have you heard the song, "This is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli? "..might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use!"..? I've focused on that for awhile now, and prayed that God would use my depression as a tool to lead other's to Him. I don't for a second want my depression to just be another thing I "went through". I want to help others, and show them that even on the hardest days, God is there to pull you through and give you the strength you don't have without Him.

I know that I bought into Satan's lie that "no one could understand exactly what I'm going through, so I'm not going to talk about it, or even ask for help". And that's exactly what he wants us to believe- that we're stuck, and are doomed to suffer alone. God says otherwise, friends! THIS is the stuff He uses. So if you know someone who's struggling with depression as a new mother, send them my way. I am not perfect, and I still struggle daily. But there's 2 ways to suffer- alone, or with the help of others, and the Lord.

That's my testimony. God is so very present in the midst of your trials. I'm not sure what they are.. whether you, also, struggle with PPD, or maybe something else.. maybe even worse. But I am 100% sure that if you ask Him to help you, spend time with Him daily, and completely surrender your whole circumstance unto Him, He will begin to heal you, and He will use you & your situation to help others. He will never place a heartache in your life before having it go through His hands first, and without giving you the strength you need to pull through. God uses all things for His glory, and God is always good. Please believe that!

"Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning..

Once you feel the weight of glory, all your pain will fade to memory.."

My pain is fading to memory, and I want to help those who have yet to feel that weight.

Share this with others.

Love you all.