A testimony worth sharing.

"Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see.. you’ll see..."

This isn't going to be an easy post, mainly because I've only shared this with my husband, and a few of my closest friends. God, however, is asking me to share this with the world- so here it goes.

September 7th, 2010- Ayden James Heare is born. The most beautiful little boy in the world. Born healthy as expected, and perfectly PERFECT. His little button nose, his big blues eyes, his frog legs, his innocent smile, simply everything about him. You could (and can) just see the very fingerprints of God over his whole being. Given to me, by God Himself? I'm amazed, in awe, that He found little old Abby worthy of such an incredible responsibility.. raising one of HIS precious children.

Okay. I have struggled with postpartum depression since a few weeks after Ayden was born. However, I didn't recognize it until he was around 7 months old. When it began, it really wasn't anything serious. My hormones were still leveling out as I got the hang of nursing, so that played into it at the start. I cried a lot for no reason. That was really it. As he got a little older, I always had issues with "keeping up" in the sense that I was constantly tired, and needing caffeine or a nap to keep going. I found it really hard to smile, and be happy.. even though I had been blessed with this beautiful little boy- smiling from the outsiders perspective, should come easily in my shoes. I really didn't think anything of it (assuming it would just pass) until much later, when I started feeling anger. An anger I've never felt before. It overwhelmed the innermost part of my being. Ayden was 7 months old when this started. When I would get angry (over the l.i.t.t.l.e.s.t things), I would have to set Ayden down and walk into the next room to punch/smack/or break the crap out of something. I told Jaymes what was going on, and my 3 closest girlfriends- outside of them, no one had a clue. I remember texting Crystal one afternoon, just asking her to pray. She called me to see if I needed her to come over.. (because she was well aware of my "state" at this point in time) I started balling because I didn't feel like I could keep living like I was. I was very much “stuck”. Needless to say- she was at my house within 10 minutes and spent the whole afternoon with me & Ayden, just letting me vent while our boys played. I can confidently say that if it weren't for friends like her, I would lose my mind.


Fast-forward a bit (to about 8 months): things got better in the sense that I wasn't feeling that anger anymore. That was a HUGE blessing. I started to feel human again, and much more in control of myself. So I don't need help, right? Oh. my. wrong. I still don't have energy, I'm still not happy (like I should be), and I've lost interest in so many things I used to love doing. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just snap out of it? It's been 8 months. I just need to be stronger. I'm going to do devotions & spend time with the Lord everyday, just the 2 of us. I'll see what He has to say about this mess (thank GOD I did).

Megan Breedlove (www.mannaformoms.com) writes amazing devotions for mothers. Every day when Ayden went down for his first nap, I would (and still do) read one of the devotions that she posts weekly to her blog. She also has an amazing book. She has been very blessed with the gift of encouragement. Her posts are God breathed, and they never disappoint me. Anyhow, after I would read, I would spend time in prayer. Specifically asking that God would show me what I need to do to be healthy again. I was convinced at this point (8 months) that it was just going to "fix", and that with God's help alone I would be good as new. Well, that was my unrealistic expectation of my circumstance. I did this routine for a month, when it finally hit me that I NEEDED HELP- I could NOT heal without. I had to act NOW.

I called my doctor right away and scheduled an appointment to see him ASAP- well, "ASAP" was one month from that date because he was on vacation. I waited. I wasn't comfortable seeing any other doctor for something this serious. I trust my doctor, I've seen him forever, and I know I'm in good hands with him. It takes awhile for me to build trust in a doctor, which is why I HATE leaving them once I've established a good relationship with one. As you can imagine, it was a VERY long month. I'd finally realized that more or less, I'd been in denial for 9 months, and desperately needed help. I was missing out on so much.

Can I just say I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father? I don't know where I'd be without Him, and I really don't want to think about it! The Lord was (and is) my strength. He has shown me time and time again that even when I feel like I’m failing as a mother, I’m not. Just because I don’t always have energy, just because I’m not always a happy-go-lucky momma, does not mean I don’t love my son more than anything in this world, and does NOT mean that I’m failing as his mother. I had trouble realizing this before He filled me with his perfect peace. Now I’m confident that the Lord placed Ayden in my life because He knew I’d be the perfect mother for him here on earth.. and with the Lord’s help, I am the perfect mother for Ayden. I love him.

The appointment went very well. I poured my heart out & explained exactly what had been going on for so long. I realized then, that I should have done this so much sooner. We discussed my options as far as medication goes- (something I haven't mentioned yet, is that along with this depression I've had horrible bouts of anxiety- to the point where I start hyperventilating & my blood pressure sky rockets) since I'm nursing, that makes my list of medication options dwindle significantly, but thankfully, there were still some safe options. I am currently taking an SSRI antidepressant, and have been on it for exactly 3 weeks. The way the SSRI antidepressants work, is by increasing the serotonin in the brain (the "happy" chemical). My doctor gave me fair warning that it would take a good few weeks to build up in my system, but really, I've only noticed a huge change in the anxiety. I don't have panic attacks anymore, and when I feel one coming on, I can make it stop. It's amazing. However, the depression is really the biggest issue, and it's discouraging that here I am, 3 weeks later, still waiting for that "miraculous" change in mood.

Recently, Megan Breedlove sent me a personal e-mail of encouragement because she too, went through PPD. I had commented on one of her devotions just thanking her for it. It was just what I needed to read that day. I had mentioned that I was struggling with PPD, and that all of her posts helped me daily to get by. She jumped right in and told me that she, too, struggled with the same thing and would love to help me in any way she could. Now, as mentioned above, I hadn't told many people at all, so I was hesitant at first to explain my situation to her. I am so thankful I did, though! The response she sent me was something that I read over & over again.

A few pieces from the e-mail:

"Please know that God knew you would suffer depression after the birth of your son. Yet He still chose to give your son to you. Somehow, your depression is part of His plan for your son's life. Don't assume that just because you can't always feel the warm emotions you want to feel toward your son, that your son is missing out or somehow "doomed" to suffer emotional consequences. God can--and will!--take care of your son so that His plans for your son's life come to pass. Your depression will not frustrate His plans."

"Perhaps, also, during this time you have a wonderful opportunity to learn what love truly is. In the Love Chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, it describes what love is. Not once does that passage say that love is "feelings". You may not always have warm feelings for your son, but you can still love him very well."

"Also, just remember that it's okay to take things one day at a time. Sometimes when feeling depressed, I would be down on myself for not looking forward to the future very much. It seemed like nothing was very exciting to me. But I realized--and I hope you will realize--that that's okay. Making it through one day at a time is good enough."

There's more, but those 3 things alone have helped me daily. I am in the process of healing! It's a slower process than I'd like, but have you heard the song, "This is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli? "..might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use!"..? I've focused on that for awhile now, and prayed that God would use my depression as a tool to lead other's to Him. I don't for a second want my depression to just be another thing I "went through". I want to help others, and show them that even on the hardest days, God is there to pull you through and give you the strength you don't have without Him.

I know that I bought into Satan's lie that "no one could understand exactly what I'm going through, so I'm not going to talk about it, or even ask for help". And that's exactly what he wants us to believe- that we're stuck, and are doomed to suffer alone. God says otherwise, friends! THIS is the stuff He uses. So if you know someone who's struggling with depression as a new mother, send them my way. I am not perfect, and I still struggle daily. But there's 2 ways to suffer- alone, or with the help of others, and the Lord.

That's my testimony. God is so very present in the midst of your trials. I'm not sure what they are.. whether you, also, struggle with PPD, or maybe something else.. maybe even worse. But I am 100% sure that if you ask Him to help you, spend time with Him daily, and completely surrender your whole circumstance unto Him, He will begin to heal you, and He will use you & your situation to help others. He will never place a heartache in your life before having it go through His hands first, and without giving you the strength you need to pull through. God uses all things for His glory, and God is always good. Please believe that!

"Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning..

Once you feel the weight of glory, all your pain will fade to memory.."

My pain is fading to memory, and I want to help those who have yet to feel that weight.

Share this with others.

Love you all.