Baby # 2!

Almost 14 weeks in, I'm going to stop and reflect on the beginning of this pregnancy! Somewhere around 7.5 weeks ago I took a positive pregnancy test, and then another! I was floored because all summer long I had 'thought' I was pregnant, but never took any positive tests.. I guess I just fully expected it to be negative like they had been for the past 6 months! However, I went from floored to excited very quickly!!! So many thoughts.. 'I'm having a baby, my SECOND baby, I'll have two!!! Ayden will be a big brother! Who do I call first? I need to schedule a doctors appt, I need vitamins, THAT'S why I feel so sick..' etc, etc, ETC!

And then it really kicked in (the hormones, that is) about a week later. Sick as a dog.. I couldn't eat anything with a scent, or a flavor. That left me to plain pringles and 7-up. Every morning I would roll over and shove about 6 pringles in my mouth, and have a sip of water. Then at lunch I would eat a few more, and try soooo hard to have a few bites of something (anything) nutritious. Dinner time was the worst. I would gag as I made dinner, and then not even be able to join Jaymes & Ayden while they ate. HORRIBLE. I am so happy to say that I survived my first trimester, and I can eat food now (so long as there's no garlic in it.) For whatever reason, garlic, onion, avocado, and coffee made me more nauseous than anything else at the beginning. And garlic still does, big time!! I will stay clear of that stuff for a good long while, I'm sure! :)


Baby has been perfectly healthy through it all, Praise the Lord!! Because I don't know how I provided "nutrients" to this child via pringles. HA!!

Sometime in early December we will find out gender!!!! :) :) We're so excited & impatient. This time we're hoping for girl, but will be more than happy with a boy too!! As we did with Ayden, we will keep the name a secret until delivery!

This baby will be here in 6 months. Holy moly.

thoughts a mile a minute

I'm sitting here tonight thinking about how quickly time passes when you're a momma. I'm thinking about becoming the mother of two in 7 months, and how much is going to change between now and then. I only have that short amount of time left with just my first-born, my AJ. I'm trying to soak it all in, and find moments every day where him and I are truly bonding. I'm trying to embrace the terrible two's and not focus on the negatives in his behavior, even when they seem to be outnumbering (by the millions) the positives.

I'm trying to place this life completely in God's hands and stop trying so hard to control every situation on my own- because the reality is I CAN'T do this on my own. All of these things that mean so much to me, I can't do them without His constant, daily, hourly help. I've felt His tug on my heart extra lately, His gentle reminders that I need to slow-down, take a deep breath, and enjoy what's right in-front of me.. no matter what it may look like.

Most days it looks like a kitchen that hasn't been swept all week, with a sink full of dishes that are starting to smell pretty gross, a dog that's whining because I forgot to feed him (again), piles of dirty clothes laying everywhere, and a little boy who doesn't want me to clean anything! I'm very wired to clean, and in recent months I've had to ask myself why it's 'so important' for me to have a perfect house that smells wonderful all the time. I've found no answer- there is absolutely no one that cares what my house looks like when they come over! Ayden & Jaymes don't EVER care how clean the house is, they just want my quality time!!

So, if you're offended by messes, please don't come to our home. It's probably going to be a mess, but what I care about most, is that the hearts of the ones I love dearly are being fully nourished, and that the time I spend with them is completely undivided. Life is way way way too short to worry about these little things, so I'm putting them behind me and looking forward- to a messier future. :)

update, boring!

I've been wanting to update for so long, it's just been a matter of finding the time/energy to do it! I've gots to be honest, this past month or so has just been plain hard. I'm already wrapping up my first trimester which just doesn't seem possible- I'll be 10 weeks Monday! I've been sick, sick, SICK. Hardly able to eat anything at the start, and working my way back into some type of appetite.. it's been exhausting! I'm recovering from a horrible root canal and a UTI- both of which were/are very unpleasant! 2 rounds of antibiotics later and I'm feeling a little more human.. so I suppose this is good! Lord willing, I can put these 'first trimester health ailments' behind me now!! Baby is HEALTHY though!! He/she has a very strong heartbeat and I can already feel lots of little movements! I can't believe Ayden is going to be a big brother in just 7 months.. wow!

Not long after we found out we were expecting, we got news that my grandma has stage 4 cancer. It's so hard to grasp the gift of new life, and the end of a beautiful life at the same time.. my mind & emotions have been on a HUGE roller-coaster. She is considered stage 4 and will be starting chemo & radiation next month. With those treatments she's looking at somewhere around 1.5 years.. but without it would have been 6 months. She's taking steroids that make her miserable daily (sometimes 5x a day) and fighting with everything she has in her! I wish there was more I could do for her right now, and I'm having a hard time accepting that there isn't. I love her so much.

Ayden & Jaymes are both doing wonderfully. They are two peas in a pod these days, and Ayden much prefers 'dadda' over this girl! :) I think we're in the 'thick' of the terrible two's right now, and yet there are still sooo many times a day that I can't help but just smile at him! Ayden, you may be a strong willed little man, but I know your heart, and I love you for exactly who you are. Nothing will ever, EVER change that!

Jaymes got a promotion at work, a pretty huge one, and that will take effect next month! I'm very proud, he so deserves this. He's been working his butt off taking care of us all!! He goes to work, and then he comes home to a nauseous wife who half the time didn't cook anything for supper.. and never complains. aye aye aye.

I am blessed through it all!

Confession:holding onto the moments even when it's hard

In the past 2 days I've been screamed at, pooped on, pulled on, screamed at, and screamed at some more. I've been trying as hard as I can to find joy in every moment (even the hard ones), because I've been reminded more than ever lately how short life really is.

I will be the first to admit that this seems impossible to do somedays. When you feel like there's a literal brick wall between you and your child, it's hard to find the joy there. When you struggle so deeply with depression through your child's first year and a half of life.. that nearly all of the good memories are stripped away, it's so hard to find the joy there. When your child is given the 'terminal' diagnosis that you never expected, it's very hard to find the joy there. When LIFE HAPPENS IT'S HARD TO FIND JOY IN IT ALL! Can I get an amen??

So the question is this: how do we move forward, how do we accept ourselves as imperfect human beings, and how do we joyfully live in a world that's so dark?

We remember that this isn't our home. We remember that God is bigger than anything life could ever throw at us, and we CHOOSE to believe that even in the midst of the darkness, God's will is being done.

I've had a few very difficult days this week, and my friends have really come alongside and encouraged me. With random flowers, candles, and cards.. there is joy in the midst of life's valleys.

Ahhhhh :)

Oh my WORD! I feel so refreshed.. it's been so long since I've really, really felt this good!!! My parents so kindly took Ayden from us last night so that we could have a date night (YAY!!) It was so much fun, and here's what we did:

TGIF- dinner.
HOME- catch up on shows.
SLEEP- yes, yes YES. Lot's of it, too!
WAKEUP- donuts & coffee & devotions & chit chat with our neighbors!

By the way, not only did our neighbors pray over us for the things God is doing in our lives, but they gave me their antique Schwinn bike- jahdasuigywuiegyuwgeayui!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S HOW EXCITED I AM TO HAVE A BIKE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) Seriously so nice of them.. I don't think I've ever met more kind-hearted people in my life! We need more of them in this world.

Literally, that's it. It was soooo relaxing to do absolutely nothing strenuous!! To just enjoy the peace & silence (which every good mommy and daddy deserves). :)

I am so thankful (understatement) that we get the opportunity to do this once a month. It's such a blessing to have BOTH sets of grandparents living right around the corner. Honestly don't know what we'd do without these 'us' nights!!!


SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS: If you do not have this kind of support, please let Jaymes & I be that for you! We will absolutely take your kiddos for the night so you can get the time together you NEED! I love you all!

Ella Lanay

As some of you know, I've been volunteering some of my time to work with this little angel weekly. She is the bravest person I know, and yes, she's a whopping 12 months old!! It's such a blessing to see how many lives she has touched in such a short time, and to see how she's drawing people (even strangers) closer to the One who cares most. I want to share with you how she has changed ME in just 6 months!

When I came alongside the Hunt family in this journey, I NEVER expected to be encouraged by them, to be changed by the perspective, and the way they live abundantly every day. It truly is amazing to see a family come together and fight this disease with unconditional love! Yes, medically speaking they have a terminally ill child, but when you go into their home that is the last thing on your mind.. Ella is such a happy baby, and she is so overwhelmed with love that she simply has no time to focus on the negatives of this illness. You walk into a home filled with the Holy Spirit, more so than I've felt in any other house! They focus on TODAY, not yesterday, but today. They capture and cherish every moment, even the not-so-fun ones, and give thanks even in the darkest of times.

I really started the healing process from my PPD/Anxiety when I saw how they were able to live in the midst of such chaos with hearts full of thankfulness and love. Before them, I didn't know how to do that on my own, I was simply stuck. I can never thank Ella, Erica, Dan, Noah & Carter enough for letting me be a part of this journey, and for encouraging me daily by the way they choose to not live in fear!! God is using them in such Mighty ways, and I am so humbled by their faith.

eucharisteo

I just finished rocking my son to 'sleep' (to the point where he said he was ready to lay down). I SO treasure these last moments of babyhood with him!!

I was singing some of my favorite worship songs over him during this special time, and was just completely consumed by the Holy Spirit.. especially when I started singing "In Christ alone". I could feel Ayden's body relaxing more and more into mine, and I could feel my soul relaxing more and more into my Father's arms. It was Heavenly.

At the completion of the song he tried to keep his eyes open long enough to find my face, say "goooodnigh" and give me such a sweet kiss! You are so very loved, Ayden James.. please don't ever forget that!

Momma